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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| Parents
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| Love & Sexuality
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| OneScience
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10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Mistake 10: Verbal Force
Verbal force is similar to threats in that it is an
attempt to force the child to obey out of fear that
something terrible may soon happen to him if he
doesn't. This is more than simply raising your voice
to be heard above the noise. Verbal force is an
angry response to irritating behavior.
It is a useful rule of
thumb that you can't be a good
parent when you're angry.
The problem, though, is that kids
can often make us very angry. They
know how to push our buttons. Mom
was trying so hard in this example
to ignore the behavior she didn't
want, but ultimately she failed and
gave Gary more attention than he
bargained for.
The Irritating Interruption: Take 1
Mom is in the kitchen trying to get
dinner ready. She is talking to Dad at the
same time. Five-year-old Gary has already
been told he can't have a cookie, but he is
trying to get Mom's attention to ask her
again for the third time.
"Mom. Please can I have a cookie? I
promise I'll eat my whole dinner."
Mom is trying to ignore this irritating
behavior, but it is getting on her nerves.
She tries to continue talking to Dad.
"Mom," Gary interrupts again. "Mom."
She keeps ignoring him.
"MOM," Gary says louder.
"GARY, I SAID, 'NO!' NOW QUIT
ASKING ME AND GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE!" she yells as loud as she
can.
Gary runs out of the kitchen crying. Dad
also quietly slips out of the kitchen. |
The trick here is to catch yourself
before you get to your boiling point. When you start to
notice that you're
going to blow if
things keep going
the way they are,
stop right then and change something. Change anything.
In Take 2, Mom
figures it's better for Gary to play in his room than
to keep pushing her buttons. Ignoring the behavior would eventually work to make it stop, but Mom knows she didn't have the
patience to outlast Gary's determination to get a cookie. She makes a wise
decision.
The Irritating Interruption: Take 2
Mom is getting dinner ready, talking to
Dad and trying to ignore Gary's constant
interruptions.
"Mom. Please can I have a cookie? I
promise I'll eat my whole dinner."
Mom tries to ignore this irritating
behavior, but it is getting on her nerves.
Suddenly she notices that she is getting mad.
"Gary," she turns to him and holds out
her hand to him, "I want you to play in your
room for a little bit while I finish getting
dinner ready."
"Nooooo, I don't want to," Gary
protests.
Mom takes his hand and leads him to his
bedroom. "What would you like to play
with? Your blocks? Legos?"
"Nothing," Gary pouts.
"Ok. Well, play with nothing here in your
room. I'll come get you when dinner's
ready." She returns to the kitchen. |
Gary wasn't happy about being sent to his room. And it would be nice if we
all had as much time to give as everyone seems to need from us. But we
don't so we must learn to manage the time we have to make the best use
of it. And though Gary wasn't happy about going to his room, compare
that to how he felt after Mom's
outburst in Take 1.
By the way, when you do blow up at
your kids, don't be afraid to make it
right by apologizing. Often parents
think they are giving up their
authority by apologizing to their
kids. But this is a terrible
misconception. By apologizing to
your kids for losing control, you
show them that you respect them
and that you are human too.
Be careful not to blame them for
your outburst: "I'm sorry, but you
were really getting on my nerves."
Keep it simple. Say something like
"I'm sorry. I got angry and didn't
control myself very well. I'm sorry I
yelled."
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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