 |
 
| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
|
| Parents
|
| Love & Sexuality
|
| Employees & Bosses
|
| OneScience
|
|
 |
 |
10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Mistake 9: Threats
A threat is a statement made to a kid that he or
she is going to suffer some severe negative
consequence for something they are doing wrong.
This is not a gentle reminder of consequences the
parent and child have already discussed. It is a
parents attempt to scare a child into obedience.
First of all, imposing
negative consequences is rarely an
effective way to manage a child's
behavior and at the same time
maintain a healthy relationship.
Imposing negative consequences
that you think up in the heat of
anger or frustration is even worse.
It is usually the case in these
situations that the negative
consequence threatened just
happens to be the first thing that
comes to mind.
The Midnight Caller: Take 1
Mom wakes up in the middle of the
night. She hears her fifteen-year-old
daughter talking. She goes to Fiona's
bedroom to see what's going on and finds
her on the phone.
"Fiona, what on earth are you doing?
Get off that phone right now. It's after
midnight!" Mom yells.
"Hey I gotta go," Fiona says into the
receiver and hangs it up.
"Who are you talking to this late at
night?"
"Nobody. It's my business. Leave me
alone."
"If I ever catch you on the phone after
nine o'clock again you'll be grounded for
the rest of the school year. Do you
understand me?"
"Whatever."
"I mean it, young lady." |
In Take 1, Mom
probably threatened grounding Fiona
to her room because they happened
to be standing in
Fiona's room.
Grounding her to
her room has
nothing to do with
using the phone.
Notice at the end, after Mom threatened grounding,
really meant it. Fiona has probably heard these threats before and she
knows that Mom never follows through with these threats. It's midnight,
Mom just woke up from a deep sleep, she's standing there in her nightgown
issuing threats to her daughter. Mom might not even remember the
incident in the morning and Fiona will continue to be free to use her phone
at midnight as long as she does it a little quieter from now on. Fiona is
learning that Mom doesn't really mean what she says.
The Midnight Caller: Take 2
Mom wakes up in the middle of the night
and hears Fiona talking. She goes to check
on her and finds her on the phone. She
goes into the bedroom and sits down on the
bed next to her daughter.
"I gotta go," Fiona says into the receiver
and hangs it up.
"Who were you talking to, honey?" Mom
asks.
"Amber."
"Is everything ok?"
"Yeah. Seth asked her out and she
doesn't know what she should tell him."
"Yeah, that's sounds like a tough one.
Seth's cute." Fiona looks at her mom,
surprised. "But it's late. Let's stay off the
phone and get some sleep. Ok?"
"Ok, Mom. Night."
Tomorrow Mom will have a chat with
Fiona to remind her that having a phone in
her room is a privilege that she continues to
enjoy as long as she follows the phone
rules. Mom knows that midnight is not the
right time for that chat. |
In Take 2, though, Mom kept her frustration to herself. She even
remembered to be polite. She simply sat down next to Fiona rather than
interrupting her phone call. Then she asked if everything was ok. She
showed her daughter respect by assuming the possibility that there could a
real problem. Now, Fiona may object to the notion that Amber's decision
about Seth is not a real problem, but Mom was wise enough to empathize
with her daughter instead of argue
about the seriousness of the
problem. Then a simple reminder to
stay off the phone was all that was
needed to be said to send Fiona to
her slumber feeling secure and loved.
In their chat tomorrow, Mom will
make sure Fiona knows all the rules
about having a phone in her room.
Mom will remind her that Fiona must
earn that privilege by following the
rules.
If Fiona breaks the rules again, she
forfeits her privilege. Rather than
Mom imposing negative
consequences, Fiona must earn her
phone privileges by taking
responsibility for her own behavior.
Fiona learns to be responsible and
Mom doesn't have to be the bad guy.
Everybody wins.
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
 |
|
 |
Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
Receive Behavior-related info in your E-mail box free with "Consequently".
|
|
|
|
|
|
