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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| Parents
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| Love & Sexuality
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| OneScience
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10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Mistake 6: Questioning
Questioning is asking questions to which there is
not really a good answer, such as "How many times
have I told you..." This should not be confused with
asking questions to get information. Questioning is
a problem when it is the way a parent responds to
undesirable behavior.
Why it's bad: When a parent rattles
off questions to his child like the
Dad in The Broken Plate: Take 1, it's
a pretty good indication that the
parent doesn't know how to handle
the situation.
Parents often don't know how to
handle a situation when they try to
respond to it too soon. They usually
need to spend
some time cooling
off before they
will be able to
respond
effectively. When
they don't spend
some time cooling
off they will most likely respond as
poorly as Eric's dad does in Take 1.
The Broken Plate: Take 1
Eric has broken a plate. Not just any
plate. He has broken an expensive
collector plate his dad got when he was
travelling in Europe. Eric knew it was a
special plate. He has no siblings or pets he
can blame it on. So he tries to arrange the
pieces on the shelf so it won't be noticeable.
Dad finds the plate later that day and
then he finds Eric. "Did you break my
plate?" he asks the worried boy.
"What plate?" Eric responds.
"Don't give me that. You know what
plate. Did you break it?"
Eric nods.
"How many times have I told you not to
play rough in the house? Hmm? How many
times?" Eric shrugs.
"What do I have to do to get through to
you? What will it take? Do you want me to
break your stuff?" Eric hangs his head.
"Answer me."
There are too many questions on the table. Eric doesn't know where to start. |
You'll notice that nothing Eric said
would have been an acceptable
answer to his father's questions. He
knew he was in trouble the moment his father approached and all he could
do was stand there and try to survive Dad's wrath.
In Take 2, though, his Dad takes some time to cool off. He approached
Eric and started off praising him for playing outside. Then he asks good
questions, questions that assured Eric he would be safe even as he
confessed to a grave error in
judgement. Dad's questions
communicated to Eric that he just
needs to know what happened.
The Broken Plate: Take 2
Dad discovers the broken plate and goes
to talk to Eric.
"Hey, Eric. Whatcha up to?"
"Nothing. Just playing ball."
"I appreciate you playing ball outside
here."
"Thanks."
"Were you playing in the house earlier?"
"Yeah."
"Did something happen in there?"
"Yeah."
"Would you like to tell me about it?"
Eric sighs heavily. "I broke your old
plate. I was playing with my ball and it got
away from me and hit the plate. I didn't
mean to, Dad. I'm sorry."
"Thanks for telling me, Eric. I really
appreciate your honesty. What do you plan
to do about the plate?"
"I don't know."
"Well, you think about it and let me
know what you come up with. Thanks for
telling the truth." |
The way Dad concluded, telling Eric
to think of a way to make things
right, indicates that he trusts Eric.
He has taught his son what is right
and wrong and instead of issuing
some dreadful consequence, he will
leave it to Eric to come up with a
solution.
Eric's dad in Take 2 is a thoughtful
parent who knows there are more
important things in life than
collectible plates. His son is more
valuable to him, and because of the
way he handled this incident, Eric
knows it too.
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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