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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| OneScience
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10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Mistake 5: Physical Force
Physical force is making contact with a child to
cause pain or fear as a response to undesirable
behavior. Parents slap, push, pinch, spank and beat
their kids every day. It's the cheapest way to
control a child's behavior. It occurs in the heat of
anger or as a standard form of punishment.
Why it's bad: There is no
justification for violence against a
child, as I am sure most people
reading the pages of this website
would agree. But physical force
takes place in our daily parenting
interactions far more often than it
should.
Physical force means causing pain to
your child. If child abuse cannot be
justified, can relatively minor
corporal punishment be considered
useful in raising a
child?
Think of it this
way: What
motivates a parent
to cause pain to
their child?
Presumably it is
because the child has done something
the parent doesn't like. In other words, the child has caused the parent
discomfort or displeasure.
The parent who responds to this displeasure by hurting his child is making
the decision that his own pleasure and comfort is more important than his
child's comfort.
Why should a parent's comfort take precedence over a child's comfort?
When there are better ways for a parent and child to get along and
cooperate, even corporal punishment becomes pretty hard to justify. The
two examples demonstrate this point.
The Big Game: Take 1
Heather has a pretty good dad. He does
his best to be involved in her life. For
example, he coaches her softball team. In
fact, they have a big game tonight. Dad is
getting ready to go and has already told
Heather three times to go get her uniform
on. Heather is still playing her video game.
"I just gotta get to the next level and then
I can stop," she says.
"Heather, we're going to be late for the
game. Now turn the game off and get
dressed."
Heather keeps playing. Dad has had
enough. He walks over to Heather, takes
the controller out of her hand and slams it
down on the TV cabinet. He then grabs
Heather's arm, pressing his fingernails into
her skin, and shoves her towards her
bedroom door but she trips and falls.
Heather hits the floor pretty hard. She hit
her elbow and it really hurts.
It looks like
she won't be pitching in the game tonight. |
In Take 1, Dad chose the easiest,
most direct way to make Heather get ready for the game. Too bad he also
hurt her, thus ruining any chance
that she would be able to play in
that game. If this is how he intends
to stay involved in her life, she
would probably prefer he stay out.
The Big Game: Take 2
Dad is getting ready to go to the game
and has already told Heather three times to
go get her uniform on. Heather is still
playing her video game.
"I just gotta get to the next level and then
I can stop," she says.
"Heather, pause the game for a second,"
Dad says. Heather pauses the game.
"Thank you. We have to leave here in
fifteen minutes if we're going to be on time
for the game. I want you to get your
uniform on right now. If you want to play
your game after you're dressed you may,
but I am going to turn it off at 5:45. Ok?"
"Yes, Father," Heather says sarcastically.
"Again, thank you."
As soon as Heather gets dressed, Dad
asks her to help him load the equipment
into the car. She's forgotten all about the
video game and skips out to the garage to
help.
They go to the game and Heather leads
her team to a glorious victory. |
But in Take 2, Dad took his time. He
asked her to do something he was
reasonably sure she would do (pause
the game) and he thanked her for
cooperating. Then he clearly
communicated to her what he
wanted her to do and indicated how
he would handle her failure to
cooperate: he said he was going to
turn off the game at 5:45.
He allowed her to decide for
herself, with some guidelines, how
and when she got dressed. She kept
her dignity and nobody got hurt
(well, except for the opposing
softball team).
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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