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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| Parents
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| Love & Sexuality
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| Employees & Bosses
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| OneScience
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10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Mistake 4: Lecturing
Lecturing is explaining to a child at length the
logic behind why a behavior is good or bad for
them to do or not do. It stems from the notion that
"If I could just make him understand why he should
do it, then he would just do it and stop arguing
with me about it all the time."
Why it's bad: If you want to lecture
your kids, lecture them for
something they do well. Lecturing is
an ineffective way to change your
children's behavior and all it does is
give them lots of attention for
behavior you don't want them doing.
In the example, Dad is paying
attention to Dana only when she puts
her thumb in her mouth. Dana has
turned it into a game. "Every time I
put my thumb in my mouth, Daddy
talks to me." Dad is so worried
about stopping her
thumb sucking that
he can't think of
anything else, like
a way to distract
her.
The Thumb: Take 1
Dana and her dad are riding in the car.
Dana is three and her parents have
decided that it's time she stopped sucking
her thumb. As they are driving, Dad looks
back and sees Dana with her thumb in her
mouth.
Dad says, "Dana, take your thumb out of
your mouth."
Dana removes her thumb from her mouth
and grins at her dad. When he looks back
a minute later, her thumb is in her mouth
again.
"Dana, I said take your thumb out of
your mouth." Dana again removes her
thumb and grins. When Dad looks again,
the thumb is in again.
"Dana. Thumb out! Honey, you've got to
stop sucking your thumb. If you don't it's
gonna make your teeth grow in crooked
and we'll have to spend a lot of money
getting them fixed. Wouldn't you rather
have that money to buy something nice?
You don't want to have to get braces, do
you? Braces don't look very good and
they hurt your teeth. Is that what you
want?"
Dana, being three years old, just grins at
her Dad and acts like she is going to put
her thumb back in her mouth as soon as
he turns his head. |
In Take 2, though, Dad has figured out that Dana is
sucking her thumb because she
doesn't have anything else to do
with her mouth, such as talk. She
obviously has lots to say.
The Thumb: Take 2
Dana and her Dad are riding in the car.
Dad looks back and sees Dana with her
thumb in her mouth.
Dad says, "Dana, take your thumb out of
your mouth."
Dana removes her thumb from her mouth
and grins at her dad. Before she can put her
thumb back in her mouth, Dad asks, "Dana,
what are you gonna do when we get to
Grandma's house?"
"Um, play with blocks," she says.
"Blocks sounds fun. What are you going
to make with the blocks?"
"A castle with a princess and a mean
dragon."
"Wow. That's exciting. What color will
you make the dragon?"
Dana continues answering her dad's
questions and talking about the castle, the
dragon, the princess and her dress and
doesn't return her thumb to her mouth for
the rest of the trip. |
Many parents think that the way to
teach their kids is by explaining
things to them. These parents have
come by this misconception honestly. We typically think of learning as
taking place in a classroom. And as it concerns learning information, this is
true. But we learn to engage in behavior depending on the consequences
for the behavior. You can explain to your child 'til you're blue in the face
that taking toys from others isn't nice, but if taking toys continues to work
to get him the toy, and attention
from you (in the form of lecturing or
scolding), he's going to keep doing it.
To change the behavior, you must
change the consequences. Show him
how to ask nice for a toy, catch him
doing it and then dump attention on
him by praising his kindness.
Withhold attention for unkind
behavior.
Since kids value attention, pay them
with attention for the behavior you
want. Lecturing does just the
opposite.
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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