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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| Parents
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| OneScience
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10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Mistake 3: Despair
Leaving your kids with
the notion that you've lost all hope
and given up on them can teach
them two terrible ideas about
themselves and you. One, "Mom and
Dad aren't in control. I am." and
two, "If Mom and Dad don't think I'm
good enough, then I must not be."
After reading the two examples, you
will notice that Take 2 picks up
where Take 1 leaves off. The point is
that what Jessica and her mother
went through in
Take 1 is perfectly
normal. Raising kids
can be extremely
stressful.
The Store: Take 1
Jessica and her mother are grocery
shopping. Jessica missed her nap and she's
tired. She keeps asking for every toy, box
of cereal and shiny item on every shelf they
pass, and Mom keeps telling her "No."
"I want some ice cream," Jessica says as
they turn down the freezer isle.
"No, Jessica. Would you please stop
asking for stuff?"
Jessica grabs a tub of ice
cream and throws it in the cart.
"Jessica Lynn, I said no. Now stop it," Mom scolds
as she puts the ice cream back on the shelf.
Jessica stops in her tracks and screams,
"I WANT ICE CREAM!"
"Come on, Jessica," Mom says, noticing
that people are starting to stare.
"NO."
"Jessica, RIGHT NOW!"
"NO."
Mom walks over to Jessica and grabs
her arm to pull her along. Jessica falls to the
floor forcing Mom to drag her. Jessica
keeps screaming until Mom gets so
embarrassed that she leaves her cart and
carries Jessica out of the store. When they
finally get in the car, Mom starts to cry.
"I just don't know what to do anymore,"
she sobs. "We can't even get groceries
without you freaking out."
"I'm sorry, Mama," Jessica says
sheepishly. But Mom just ignores her and
drives home. |
The Store: Take 2
When Jessica and her Mom finally get in
the car, Mom starts to cry.
"I just don't know what to do anymore," she sobs. "We
can't even get groceries without you
freaking out."
"I'm sorry, Mama," Jessica says
sheepishly. But Mom just ignores her.
Mom stops crying after a few minutes.
Jessica is just staring out the window.
"Jessica, come here," Mom says. Jessica
climbs into her mother's lap. "You know
what I just thought of?" she asks.
"What, Mama?"
"We haven't been to the park in a long
time. Would you like to go to the park?"
"YEAH," Jessica cheers.
"I'll tell you what. If we can get our
grocery shopping done without any more
problems, we'll go to the park. Deal?"
"Deal," says Jessica and they shake
hands. They return to the store and finish
shopping. While they shop, Mom keeps
Jessica under control by talking to her
about the park and letting her help pick out
the groceries. |
Even the most
skillful parents have
a bad day every now and then. Nobody said that
being a parent requires that you
become a robot who always knows
the right thing to do in every
situation.
There is one big difference between
the two examples, though. In Take 1,
Mom just gave up and drove home.
But in Take 2, she realized
something. She realized that in her hustle to get things done she has forgotten the really important things, like
taking your kid to the park on a sunny afternoon.
WARNING! Don't get in the habit of offering your kids incentives to behave
well right after they have been behaving poorly. That's something we like
to call bribery. We hope Jessica's mom has learned something today.
Hopefully the next time they come to the store she will remember to
discuss her expectations for Jessica before they go in. Something as simple
as a gumball should be all the incentive she needs to offer to keep Jessica
interested in cooperating while they are in the store.
It seems to be getting pretty frequent lately that the news reports stories
of frustrated Moms for whom the stress of raising kids has gone beyond
their control. And then there are
countless untold stories of Moms and
Dads who simply give up and leave
their families for a less stressful life.
Taking a more proactive approach
can take you miles towards making
life more manageable in your home.
The stories on this website are
instructive. They offer examples of
how parents in these situations could
have handled things better.
The lesson here is that even when
you get frustrated, stressed out and
confused, once you regain your
composure, go back to your children
and assure them that even though
things get hard sometimes, you'll
figure it out somehow. You'll figure
it out because they are worth the
effort.
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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