 |
 
| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
|
| Parents
|
| Love & Sexuality
|
| Employees & Bosses
|
| OneScience
|
|
 |
 |
10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Mistake 2: Criticism
Criticism is insulting or putting a child down. Even
though criticism can be well-intended, as in
attempting to improve a child's school performance
by criticizing bad grades, it can be demoralizing to
a child. It can contribute to low self-esteem and
create a fear of failure.
Why it's bad: Much of what kids
learn about what is good and bad is
taught to them by their parents.
From the time kids are very young,
their parents are always telling them
things like, "Here, try this. It's
good." or "Don't put that in your
mouth. It's yucky."
Parents have a lot of influence over
what a child believes about him or
herself. So if a parent is often
telling the child bad things about
the child, the
child is going to
tend to regard
himself as bad.
In the example below, Beth is
learning that her
mom thinks she
looks ridiculous and that other kids will laugh at her. Now if someone at
school does laugh at her, Beth will be convinced that her mother was
right: she is ridiculous.
The Tiger Shirt: Take 1
Beth is ten years old. She comes out to
breakfast one morning wearing pink pants
and a red shirt with a cartoonish orange
tiger on the front. With her rosy cheeks
and blonde hair, she looks a little like a
popsicle.
Mom says, "Beth? What are you wearing?
You look ridiculous."
Beth looks stunned. "I like this shirt," she
says.
"Don't be silly. That shirt looks ridiculous
with those pants. And it's too small for you
anyway. Go change your shirt."
"But Mom. I wanna wear it."
"Do you want the other kids to laugh at
you?" Mom asks.
"They won't laugh," beth argues.
"They will if you wear that shirt."
Beth hangs her head and goes to her room
feeling totally deflated. |
It's bad enough that Beth's mother is training her daughter to feel bad
about how she looks. But Beth's mom has a bigger problem coming just
around the corner. Beth will be a teenager soon and she'll be worrying
about what boys think of her. Inevitably, one of the boys Beth is
interested will tell her she looks good and then instantly, Beth's mom will
have lost her influence over the way her daughter dresses to a
hormone-driven adolescent boy.
Soon, Beth will start wearing clothes the boys like. It is highly unlikely that
Mom will approve of these clothes either, so there will be more fights.
And then the fights will start to
cover more topics. Beth will
complain that her Mom doesn't like
anything she does, that Mom doesn't
trust her and that Mom doesn't listen
to her. And she will be right.
But if Beth's mom follows the
next approach, the story will
be much different. Beth will learn to
respect her mother's opinion
because her mother respects her.
The Tiger Shirt: Take 2
Beth comes to breakfast looking like a
popsicle.
"Good morning, sweetie," says Mom.
"Good morning."
"Look at you. You're all dressed and
ready to go. Good job."
Beth smiles.
"Where'd you find that shirt?" Mom asks.
"In my drawer."
"You haven't worn that shirt in ages."
"Yeah. I just found it and remembered I
had it."
"Are you sure you want to wear it though?
It's pretty small for you."
"Yeah. I like it."
"Ok. What do you want for breakfast?"
Mom asks, changing the subject.
Mom knows that wearing that shirt to
school isn't the most important issue in
Beth's life. Her daughter's self-esteem is a
much higher priority. Mom decides that she
will look for opportunities in the future to
teach Beth how to match her clothes.
The next time she sees Beth wearing an
outfit that looks good she will say
something like, "Beth, you look really good
this morning. That blue shirt and green
pants match each other perfectly."
This type of praise could give Mom an
opportunity to explain to Beth why the blue
and green match and why something like
pink, red and orange don't. |
The biggest mistake Mom made in
the first example is that she
criticized Beth's clothes moments
after she put her outfit together. In
Take 2, however, she will wait until
an entirely different time to teach
her child about clothes. In Take 2,
she reinforces, rather than punishes,
Beth's efforts to look nice.
Also, if the kids at school do laugh at
her, Mom can be a comfort to Beth.
She can console her and empathize
with her. And then she can ask,
"Would like me to help you learn
how to put a nice outfit together?"
And Beth will be more than happy to
have her mother influencing the way
she dresses.
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
 |
|
 |
Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
Receive Behavior-related info in your E-mail box free with "Consequently".
|
|
|
|
|
|
