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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| Parents
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| Love & Sexuality
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| Employees & Bosses
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| OneScience
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The Best Kind of Attention
What It Means to Listen
Second Scenario
Your ten-year-old son just got home from school. He
walks into the kitchen and drops his back pack on the floor. He is covered
in mud and his shirt is torn. He looks like he's been rolling around in a pig
pen. As he walks into the kitchen he tracks mud across the floor.
Parent #1
PARENT: (yelling) Hey! Stop!
You're tracking mud all over my
floor. What on earth? Look at your
clothes. What have you done?
KID: That big kid, Dar...
PARENT: I swear. As hard as it is to
keep you in good clothes, you'd
think you could show a little
respect. Get those clothes off
before you track mud all over the
house. And pick up that back pack.
The floor isn't where it goes. Do
you have homework?
KID: Yes. Math.
PARENT: Well, I guess you'll have
to take a bath first. I'll tell you
this. The money for that shirt is
coming out of your allowance.
KID: But, mom. Darryl pushed me
down.
PARENT: Don't but me. You're
gonna learn to respect your things.
I can't afford to buy you clothes
every time I turn around. Now get
upstairs and take a bath and then
get started on your homework.
KID: (trudges off towards his room)
PARENT: You're gonna clean this
mess up off the floor,too, young
man.
KID: (sighs) |
Parent #2
PARENT: (with an upbeat tone of
voice) Hey, you. What happened?
You're covered in mud?
KID: (starts to cry) That big kid,
Darryl, pushed me down in the
mud and sat on me and wouldn't let
me up.
PARENT: (gets a concerned look
and tone and gives her child a big
hug) Oh, sweetheart. You poor
thing. Are you ok?
KID: (sniffling) Yeah.
PARENT: Did he hurt you?
KID: No.
PARENT: I bet it was scary though,
wasn't it?
KID: Yeah.
PARENT: We're gonna have to
figure out what to do about Darryl,
huh?
KID: He's so mean. I hate him.
PARENT: Yeah, it's no fun being
treated like that. Do you have any
homework?
KID: Yeah. Math.
PARENT: How about you get
cleaned up, I'll fix you a snack and
then we can figure out what to do
about Darryl.
KID: Ok. (heads off to his room
already feeling better). |
Which parent would you rather have? Parent 1 never heard about the bully.
What's worse, Parent 1 acted just as mean as the bully. Parent 1 also set
the stage for a miserable evening. She will likely have to fight with the kid
to get him to clean up the floor and do his homework. She also doesn't
know if the situation with the bully is dangerous for her son. This kid knows
he can't expect any help dealing with his problems from Parent 1. And he
will just end up in more trouble when he defends himself against Darryl.
Parent 2, however, knew right away that her son has a problem. She didn't
solve his problem for him (even though her instinct is to go find Darryl and
wring his neck). She's going to help her son solve his own problem later so
he learns how to do it himself without getting into a fight. The kid can
trust Parent 2. He knows he can come to her for help and guidance when
he has a problem without fear of getting yelled at or criticized.
Let's look at one more example with an even younger child.
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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