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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| Parents
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| Love & Sexuality
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| Employees & Bosses
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| OneScience
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The Best Kind of Attention
What It Means to Listen
The most common complaint of a teenager is
that nobody listens. Actually, kids of all ages
could rightfully make this complaint.
Teenagers just know how to put it in words.
Below are some examples of parents who
listen and some who don't. In the next section
we'll discuss just what these parents are doing
that makes them such good listeners.
First Scenario
It's 11:30 at night. Your teenager was suppose to be home
an hour and a half ago. You're waiting in the living room when he finally
stumbles through the door looking very tires. He smells like cigarette
smoke.
Parent #1
PARENT: Where have you been
young man?
KID: (says nothing, tries to walk
past parent)
PARENT: (steps in front of kid to
block him from walking away) I'm
talking to you. Do you know what
time it is?
KID: No.
PARENT: Don't give me that. You
know very well what time it is.
And what is that smell? You smell
like an ashtray. Have you been
smoking?
KID: No.
PARENT: Don't lie to me.
KID: I'm not lying.
PARENT: Well, we'll deal with that
later. What time are you supposed
to be home?
KID: I don't know.
PARENT: Oh, yes you do. Answer
me. What time is your curfew?
KID: (shouting) I don't know!
PARENT: Well, I'll tell you what.
You go to your room and think
about it and don't come out until
you have a better answer than 'I
don't know.' |
Parent #2
PARENT: Hey, kiddo.
KID: Hey.
PARENT: How ya' doing'?
KID: Ok. Tired.
PARENT: Yeah, you look tired.
(walks over to the kid and gives
him a quick hug, notices the
cigarette smell)
KID: Yeah.
PARENT: You're kind of late. Is
everything ok?
KID: Yeah. I just lost track of time.
Sorry.
PARENT: That's ok. We can talk
about that more tomorrow. I'm just
glad you're here. (smiling) I worry
about you when I don't know
where you are, you know.
KID: Yeah, sorry.
PARENT: Are you hungry? Want me
to fix you a snack?
KID: No. I'm just tired. I just want
to go to bed.
PARENT: Ok. Sweet dreams. I'll see
you in the morning and we can talk.
KID: Ok.
PARENT: Good night, kiddo.
KID: Night. |
Which parent would you rather have? Parent 1 sent his kid to bed angry.
Tomorrow morning the argument will simply continue. They will make no
progress towards a solution to the curfew problem. It's also very likely that
the argument will escalate into something more serious. It probably won't
be long before this kid decides to run away from home.
Parent 2, however, set the stage for a good conversation tomorrow. Parent
2 will be able to set some expectations with his son. When Parent 2 talks
with his son the next morning, she may find out some important
information. She may find out that the kid tried smoking and then decided
against it (something he should be praised for). The kid will be more
willing to listen to and cooperate with Parent 2 because she listened to him
and showed she cared.
Let's look at an example with a younger child.
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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