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| The Basics of
Behavior Analysis
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| Parents
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| Love & Sexuality
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| OneScience
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10 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
That Can Destroy Your Relationship
If you're a parent, chances are you've made most of these mistakes. In
fact, you've probably made all of them. And you are probably still making
them.
Over time, these subtle errors in social interactions with your kids
can ruin the best parent-child relationship and set your kids up for great
difficulty later in life. But learning them and learning to identify when you
do them is the first step in replacing them with more productive ways of caring for your kids and managing their behavior.
Start learning them now!
Mistake 1: Arguing
Arguing is attempting to get your child to comply
with a demand by responding to his or her protests.
It is such a common mistake parents make because
it is so easy to fall into this trap.
Why it's bad: Children often learn
to argue when you tell them to do
something because the longer they
can keep you arguing, the longer
they can delay doing what you told
them to do.
In the example below, Dad
makes the mistake of arguing with
his child. Andy has learned that he
can delay bedtime by arguing with
his father because poor ol' Dad just
can't resist answering his questions.
Go Brush Your Teeth: Take 1
It's ten minutes until bedtime and Dad
needs his four-year old to go brush his teeth
and put his pajamas on. Dad tells him,
"Andy, go put your jammies on and brush
your teeth."
"I brushed my teeth this morning." Andy
whines.
At this moment, Dad is at a fork in the
road. He will either choose the right path
and soon have Andy toddling off to the
bathroom, or he will choose the wrong path
and end up in a heated debate on the merits
of dental hygiene with a four-year-old.
"You have to brush your teeth at night,
too," Dad says, heading off down the
wrong path.
"But I don't wanna go to bed," says Andy.
"I'm sorry, but it's time."
"Can I skip brushing my teeth tonight?"
"No, you may not."
"Why not?" Andy asks whining.
"Because it's important to keep your teeth
clean."
"My teeth are clean."
"No, they're not. You have to brush them
to make them clean. We go through this
every night. Now, march, mister." |
If Dad took the correct approach
here, he would have simply
repeated his directions to Andy
while ignoring his
"Why" question
and any protests
Andy offered to
brushing his
teeth. If Andy still
didn't go, Dad could escort Andy
to the bathroom
and help him get started on the task.
What if Andy keeps protesting and
refusing to go brush his teeth? Often what happens in these situations is
that the parent gets frustrated and sends the child to his room or to time
out. If that happens, the child escapes the task altogether. Kids can
sometimes seem more clever than their parents.
If this dad doesn't learn to stop arguing with his child, as Andy gets older
the arguments will get louder and more serious. Dad will have more and
more difficulty getting Andy to
cooperate with him. While Andy
may protest and throw a fit about
having to brush his teeth now, if his
parents ignore this behavior, Andy
won't learn that he can get what he
wants by acting this way.
Go Brush Your Teeth: Take 2
"Andy, it's time for bed. Go put your
jammies on and brush your teeth." says Dad
"I brushed my teeth this morning." Andy
whines.
"Andy, go brush your teeth."
"But I don't wanna go to bed," says Andy.
Dad stands up, walks over to Andy and
gently nudges him in the direction of the
bathroom and calmly repeats, "Go brush
your teeth."
"It's not fair. Brushing teeth is stupid," Andy
protests as he heads off to the bathroom.
A few minutes later Andy returns to the
living room after brushing his teeth.
Dad says, "Look at those beautiful, clean
teeth. Good job, Andy!"
Andy smiles.
"Now hurry and get your jammies on so
we can read your story before bedtime."
"Can we read Winnie the Pooh?"
"As soon as your jammies are on."
Andy hurries off to his bedroom. |
If Andy's parents can also learn to
praise Andy for compliance (and
clean teeth), they will teach Andy a
much better and more pleasant way
to get what he wants.
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Everyday actions explained for parents, with common pitfalls & solutions. |
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